“The mind is its own place, and in itself
Can make a Heaven of Hell, a Hell of Heaven.”
~John Milton, Paradise Lost
My friend S, a fellow-Gestalt therapist said yesterday, “Everyone experiences it, it’s just that we actually talk about it”
We were having coffee in town and discussing a newly-formed group which neither of us had been invited to join. We were feeling a bit miffed about being excluded - though we realised on closer investigation that we probably didn’t really even want to be part of that particular outfit. Yet still the sense of exclusion, Why weren’t we asked? We had to laugh.
My feelings of rejection are not always so easily ferreted out and owned-up-to and laughed about. Like most of us humans I'm buffetted about all day long by the subtle or not-so-subtle currents of acceptance and rejection, approval and judgement. Real or imagined.
Sometimes it’s a vibe from complete strangers - or from that person who always ignores me, never seems to recognise me. Sometimes it’s from loved-ones ( ‘Are you cranky with me?’) It’s a kind of constant static. The over-worked ego monitoring & responding to all those little interactions.
Some of us feel it more keenly than others. Some protect themselves by living alone in a cave. Some of us brazen it out with more ease. Some days it’s all water off a duck’s back. And some days are worse - more raw, more vulnerable - than others. Actually I am having one of those sort of days today.
Cyber-space is my cave for hiding out. Nothing in my (mostly pleasant) external reality has changed, but I’m swamped with feelings of despair and tedious old tape loops about failure and inadequacy. Even while another part of me knows otherwise.
But it's interesting to notice how writing it down actually changes how I feel, takes the sting out of it.
I'm tempted to delete all the above & dash off one of my usual cheery posts about how great my life is. Or else offer some wise reflections about how everything is illusion, all impermanent, and how it’s only our clinging to the ego and the false sense of separation that cause our misery etc.
oh bla bla.
this is just how it is today, tomorrow, who knows?
Rest in natural great peace this exhausted mind,
Beaten helpless by karma and neurotic thoughts
Like the relentless fury of the pounding waves
In the infinite ocean of samsara.
Rest in natural great peace.
— Nyoshul Khen Rinpoche ( quoted by Sogyal Rinpoche)
3 comments:
I could write for hours too. I have come lately to believe that it is only because of our ego that we fight for other's recognition. It is not need of company or shyness or fear or weakness that makes us suffer. It is our own egotistic self fighting for its stupid place at the top of something, whatever. And losing face, the worst tragedy. It might be a survival skill, to keep us alert, but hell, at the price of constant struggle.
Only when you put others before you, there is relieve of that. Like with one’s children. Whenever we put others first, there is relieve from our ego's grip.
I have never been too good at that. Well, in fact I have been pretty bad. But, just luck that I had them, or was it the survival of the species instinct again, with my 2 boys I can do that, and it is helping me a lot. Helping to cope with my damn ego, well, sort of.
Now it is me who should delete all this rubish!
Anyway, it is a pleasure to write to you, I always like to read you, and it is a non selfish thing too!
I'm glad you didn't delete. It's good to share this stuff. And yes, isn't parent-hood humbling - & it's also such a gift - to discover the simple joy of serving others...
You're definitely right about one thing.....we all have different levels of sensitivity. Sometimes it can be a curse but I think the senses are what we percieve this marvelous universe with and too often the macho, blunder on through attitude leads humanity to insensitivity on a global scale. As long as we can step back, take time to analyse our own reactions and feeling and try to understand those of others we interact with we will surely become better people
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